last pregnancy

I am pretty much 39 weeks.  My doctor said he would induce at my new due date-- the 19th. I am ready to be done being pregnant. I want this little boy in my arms instead of my belly. I want to hold my older kids tightly against me and not with a large ball between us. I want to cuddle my husband normally. I want to have energy again (yes, I'll be sleep deprived, but there is a different level of exhaustion with pregnancy).  I want to have nearly 2 weeks of recovery for my self before left on my own with the 5 kids.  My mom will be here for the induction date and Svend will have the week off...so 3 adults for one week and then just me... no please. I am praying he comes this weekend. I am praying I will have Svend home for a week and then my mom here for the following week. I am praying I can labor at home again like with Brooklyn and go to the hospital to HAVE the baby...not go to sit in bed ALL day long hooked up to pit and everything else waiting and waiting.

in thinking about all this last night, I had the thought...this is my last pregnancy. This is the last time I'll have another human being growing inside of me. This is the last time I will experience child birth and that exhilerating moment when the baby is given to me after the pain and struggle.  It's kind of sad.  I have been so pre-occupied with my pain and pregnancy annoyances, that I haven't thought about this being a final thing.  Svend has joked about it and I "go along" but really truly, this is our last baby.  It's a very weird thought...and of course there's that thought in back of my mind that things could still happen since we can't afford surgery for Svend yet and I will not EVER go on birth control... but it's weird...to think I'm 31 years old and closing a chapter in our lives...already.  

I am grateful for my body. I am grateful I have been blessed with the gift to bear children. I am grateful Svend has been a supportive husband and let me choose when we have children.  He is amazing.  He truly completes me.  I am grateful for these 5 special spirits that are being entrusted to me and I pray I can be more like our Heavenly Mother and treat them with love and care and guidance.  That will be what I now focus on for our next chapter in life.  I'm excited for the next chapter. I'm excited to have my hormones "in check."  Hopefully I will be the best mom for my children and they will love me and be grateful they were born into our family.  This is my greatest desire...that my children KNOW without a doubt that I love them more than anything. That I will do all I can for them. That I will put off everything to see them happy.   I have a LOT to work on...but I pray I can do it and do it well and do it happily.

I'm ready for this little guy to come. I'm ready to begin our next chapter in life...one where I am part of everything and can do all I can do with and for my kids without the physical and emotional exhaustion of pregnancy.

you can come now, little man :)